Sometimes you wake up and you're just like, "fuck you, universe". But other times, you're more like "oh hey actually I'm kind of into this". Who knows which one it will be? Time to categorise them, I guess.
A morning where you wake up and FUCK: need I say more?
A morning where you are woken up... with the above: the difference here is, you don't wake up and then decide to fuck — rather, your boring, mediocre dream gets interrupted by someone hot going down on you; yes please.
Holiday morning: you're on HOLIDAY. The beach is in WALKING DISTANCE. Your friends have woken up BEFORE YOU and are already MAKING COFFEE. Oh my god.
Good hangover morning: last night's party was EPIC and now you're all going to the greasy spoon.
Haven't gone to bed yet type morning: the party is still happening; the uppers haven't come down yet; everything is just so great that going to sleep at this point is a dumb idea
An unheard of surprise morning: you wake up and actually look forward to your day. Lol, as if this exists...
GDFC morning: you have a GAME later and you're GOING TO WIN.
Nothing morning: you have absolutely nothing to do. You lie there and your brain empties out slowly. You are at peace.
Finally alone morning: you wake up and starfish on the bed. You have the most back-breaking wank of your life. You try and incorporate bacon into your breakfast and you burn it but it's okay because YOU did it for yourself. Everything you do is 100% correct because you are a beautiful, fully-formed, self-sufficient, steaming hot piece of ass.
Thursday morning: you worked hard at training yesterday and you can feel it — it feels good.
Monday morning: yup, this has been filed under 'good'. Time to flip the script.
Cereal morning: don't you just love cereal??
Fully automated luxury communism morning: you eat a breakfast of fresh local berries with lab-grown yoghurt while a brand new outfit is 3D printed for you; you prepare for a day of 'work' which is actually leisure because the only 'work' you do is stuff you love doing anyway .
Acceptance morning: you wake up to an email telling you that you got the job/grant/whatever thing you DEFINITELY deserve
Other acceptance morning: whatever was bothering you yesterday is okay now; you've let it go
Debt cancellation morning: you check your bank account and somehow your crushing debt has disappeared. You have no idea, but just last night Brad Pitt and/or Edward Norton destroyed all the buildings that contain debt, so you are now free.
Divine ritual morning: this morning, you light a candle. And somehow everything is just fine.
A solutions-based morning: you were up late last night trying to work through a problem, and you weren't getting anywhere. This morning, you have woken up with the solution in your head — you're so smart.
Other celebrity morning: Rosamind Pike is at the door. She wants to marry you.
Day-off morning: this morning you wake up, and you're just not feeling it. You are not unwell. You just don't want anything that today is going to give you. You cancel everything and it doesn't matter. You feel lighter.
Love morning: you wake up next to someone you love. Aren't they beautiful?
Wallace and Gromit morning: a fully automated morning; your bed flips you into your outfit for the day, then you slide down to the breakfast table where the toaster spits your toast out and straight into your mouth. Your dog rolls his eyes.
Christmas morning: You know? Sometimes it's great because everyone is happy and shoving presents in your face, but other times it isn't because you have to drive all the way to Ongar and your nephew is such a little shit and you JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE cooking right now.
Friday morning: the week is so close to being chucked into oblivion where it belongs, but you still have to do a whole day first. But Friday morning can also great because if you're smart (like me) you may decide to just not work very hard on that particular day of the week.
Cat morning: your cat wakes you up by being cute and climbing into bed with you. Or, your cat wakes you up by yowling like an entitled toddler. Both happen at 4am.
Wedding morning: if it's your wedding, this morning will probably be a bag of turds. But if it's not your wedding, it will be a bag of mimosas and dressing up in your best outfit.
Unprecedented morning: Donald Trump apologises; The Green Party get into power; Scotland gets independence; it's March 2020 and we all have to stay inside.
Job interview morning: you either feel like a powerful, very in-charge demigod, or a dumb inadequate lump of sweaty flesh. Dealer's choice.
The internet is down type of morning: you are no longer connected, you are finally freeeeee
Alien morning: you are woken up by an alien abduction. The aliens are friendly and just didn't quite know how to say hi. Or, the aliens are hostile and are just checking in on all the politicians they planted here and/or would like to feast on your organs.
Alien morning (alien perspective): Zorop morp blurp cloof ka'aan.
Existential crisis morning: are we living in a simulation? What the hell are you even doing here? All the stars that are visible to you no longer exist; when you die and when everyone who knew you also dies, it will be like you were never even born.
Cleanse morning: not the dumb kind where you have a juice and do yoga, the other kind where you finally get on with those boring admin tasks that have been sitting there for four months and only take five minutes.
Magical realism morning: you awake in a pool of your own sweat and your bed dissolves into a salty puddle. A bird flies in and pitches you an idea for a theatre play that takes place inside a goose egg.
The morning after: you're in someone else's bed. You turn and look at them and either do or don't regret it. You leave quietly. Or you eat breakfast together. This one really could go in a million directions, but you get the idea.
Everything's broken morning: you've lost your keys and you just trod on your phone. You're out of coffee so you go out to get some but woops, remember the things about losing keys? Also you remembered your wallet but for some reason the payment for the coffee isn't going through. This sounds like a purely bad morning but really, you could see this one as an opportunity to never drink coffee/use your phone/be inside your house ever again. Change is GOOD.
Unrelatable morning: you wake up and double clap to open the blinds. You do stretches while an automated voice assistant reads out your schedule. You go down stairs and read about stocks or some other bullshit. A cup of coffee is somehow ready for you. Your perfect dog greets you politely. The sun is shining. Absolutely nothing is going wrong. You do not exist.
Mornings of non-linear age: you wake up and you are only seven years old. You cannot go into work like this.
Mornings from another dimension: you wake up in another dimension. Who KNOWS what will happen.
Sunday morning: don't act like this is a default good type of morning — Sunday mornings fucking suck sometimes, okay?
Rachel Green morning: you either love or hate Ross.
Impossible morning: you phase through your bed and pop out of the kitchen ceiling and land in a pile of cereal.
Diarrhoea morning: it's 3am and you're on the loo, but not in a drunk way
Puke morning: this morning, you are puking for some reason. You are simply not in control of your bodily fluids.
Bad hangover morning: you feel like UTTER SHIT and the person you regret sleeping with last night still hasn't left, the cunt. You can't remember what you did last night, but you're still somehow very embarrassed by your actions.
Hospitality morning: you need to serve some rich people their breakfast so that they can effectively and efficiently uphold capitalism by selling empty office spaces in Central London to other capitalists who need the space to conduct their mergers and acquisitions and exploit front-line staff, or whatever the fuck it is that capitalists get hard for these days. Anyway, you're on the first tube and you want to DIE.
Rejection morning: you wake up to some kind of rejection email; not ideal.
Vodka for breakfast: actually, this is a wrestling move, and a terrible way to wake up.
Yelling at a virtual woman morning: you wake up and shout at Alexa to put the kettle on. Then you shout at Alexa to show you your schedule. Then you shout at Alexa to tell you the weather. You are a huge massive cunt and you should just shout at Alexa to end your life tbh.
A morning of crushing regret: just re-reading a text-based argument with a loved one or close friend that you had last night.
Period morning: you wake up and there's period blood... on everything. EVERYTHING.
Airport morning: it's 6am and you're at the Gatwick north terminal and the queue for check-in is really long because there's only two desks open because apparently 6am is the quiet part of the day even though it's very obvious that EVERYONE IN THE UK is trying to get a flight out of this garbage island.
Where the fuck is my phone morning: like honestly WHERE is it??
Bitcoin morning: where you check your recent cryptocurrency investments. Obvs if you're doing this you're a fucking douchebag and that's extremely awkward for you...