‘Recipes’ taken from The Mutual Dislike Reader, a special edition of my zine Mutual Dislike
Grow up and stop eating noodles drowned in soup, it makes no sense
Ingredients
Your favourite pack of instant ramen.
Method
Boil the slab of dry noodles until they are wet and edible. Drain away all the liquid — yes all of it. It’s only been holding you back until now. Hot liquid with solid food makes no sense. It weighs you down; it’s like walking around with a sack of water for a colon. I’m already 70% water or whatever science says about humans. Am I really about to add more?
Anyway, now that you’ve removed the water you can finally live a full, spill-free life. Take the flavour packet and sprinkle it on the dry noodles and stir until it’s all evenly stuck on nice and good. Then eat it like a hungry absent minded animal.
Nowadays you work from home, which means when lunch time happens, you have to stop working and actually make yourself something. Of course, your stupid inept employer has riddled you with deadlines and busy-work. You barely have time to eat, so try this recipe you little scamp.
Ingredients Nope, you’re struggling to think of ingredients — too much work to do